My Aunt Diana, who lives near Oshkosh, Wisconsin, where they have an annual “Fly In” for the Experimental Aircraft Association each year, sent this to me. Thanks Diana!

I takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has “never, ever” had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget punding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

~Lois

Have you ever noticed that when you take one of the personality “tests” you really don’t find out anything new? At least, I don’t. Perhaps that means I know who I am!

Here’s a fun one if you like taking personality tests:

Human Metrics Personality Test

Or discover what “color” you are. Are you Red, Green, Blue or Yellow? Visit True Colors and take the quiz.

~Lois

It’s getting close to Christmas, so I thought I’d repost this so you could enjoy it.

Did you ever wonder why Santa’s marketing works better than
yours? Practically everyone in the world knows who Santa
is. Does everyone know who you are? I didn’t think so!
Maybe you should take some lessons from Santa.

My friend, Sean D’Souza from Auckland, New Zealand, has
given me permission to give you his whitepaper, “Ho! Ho!
Ho! Why Santa’s Marketing Works Better Than Yours!” I think
you’ll enjoy it, and feel free to pass it on to your
friends and clients.

Why Santa’s Marketing Works by Sean Souza

~Lois

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.

~Lois

The new supermarket opened near my house and has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

But I think it’s getting out of hand.

When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and catch a whiff of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The meat department has a background “sizzle” and the slight odor of a charcoal grill.

But now, I refuse to go in anymore, after walking down the toilet paper aisle….

~Lois

The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Personally, I don’t think that’s possible since there are several parts to marketing–for example:

You’re a woman, and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed. Would you like to see for yourself?” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. You ask one of your friends to go up to him, point at you and say, “She’s fantastic in bed.” When he does this, that’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed. Would you like to see for yourself?” That’s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” And your friend, who is standing nearby, says, “It’s true!” That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

And if you do all of the above, that’s Marketing.

~Lois

UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

~Lois

A little Christmas humor…

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50
Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The blonde says, “God help us. Has it come to
this? Give me:
6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 12
Baptist and 10 Nazarene!”

~Lois

The Optimist says, “The glass is half full.”
The Pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”

The Marketing Consultant says,
“Your glass needs re-sizing.”

And Bill Gates says,
“The glass is always full.” (The part that is “empty” is
filled with air.)

~Lois

Did you ever wonder why Santa’s marketing works better than
yours? Practically everyone in the world knows who Santa
is. Does everyone know who you are? I didn’t think so!
Maybe you should take some lessons from Santa.

My friend, Sean D’Souza from Auckland, New Zealand, has
given me permission to give you his whitepaper, “Ho! Ho!
Ho! Why Santa’s Marketing Works Better Than Yours!” I think
you’ll enjoy it, and feel free to pass it on to your
friends and clients.

Why Santa’s Marketing Works by Sean Souza

~Lois