What 4-8 year-old children said about love:

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of
theirs.”

“Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you
don’t yell at him because you know it would hurt his
feelings.”

“Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird.”

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.”

“You can break love, but it won’t die.”

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when
they kiss.”

“When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and
paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her
now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
That’s love.”

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their
mouths.”

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see
anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day.”

“You really shouldn’t say “I love you” unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

And the winner: a 4 year-old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the
child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the
man’s yard and climbed on top of the man’s lap and just sat
there. When the boy’s mother asked him what he’d said to the
neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him
cry.”

~Lois

This is a heads-up to those friends who haven’t experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It’s happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached and at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hair brush. This was really getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted,” look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs … and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

~Lois

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits while I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

~Lois

This is an old one, but it makes me laugh every time I read it.

This is a job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They (supposedly) hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who’ll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, I’ll take whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

~Lois

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run—anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, ” Did I wake you ???? “…

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who told you to read this.

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

~Lois

Here’s a good cartoon that I thought you’d enjoy by Ann Telnaes. I’m running it with permission from WomenseNews.org

Let’s see what the Women Suffragists had to say about this little piece of news…(click on the image to make it bigger)

This is funny and it will boggle your mind.

And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can’t …

Mind control does NOT work either!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction. I told you so…And there’s nothing you can do about it!

Make sure you pass this on to your friends…they won’t be able to believe it either!

~Lois

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. ” Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

~Lois

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups—porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain, ome expensive, some exquisite—telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said, “If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously or subconsciously went for the best cups . . . and then you began eyeing each other’s cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of Life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the “coffee” God has provided us.” God brews the coffee, not the cups . . Enjoy your coffee! The happiest people don’t necessarily HAVE the best of everything. They just MAKE the best of everything they have.

~Lois

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on, and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: “No, no, no - free for the Son of God! There’s no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?”

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein’s shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him, and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said, “Jesus, Jesus, look what you’ve done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?”

“Certainly,” replied Jesus. “Jesus & Finkelstein it is.”

“Oh, no, no,” said Finkelstein. “Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.”

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop.

Can you guess what it read??

Are you sure you want to know?

Here it comes..

Don’t say you weren’t warned……
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LORD and TAYLOR

~Lois

From TeAchology

During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a kindergarten teacher. “I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour,” she said.

~Lois