It wouldn’t be funny if it wasn’t so true…

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2004 actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from the legendary movie Sound Of Music.

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac’s and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad!

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

~Lois

An Explanation of God from the 8-Year-Old’s Perspective

“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes
them to replace the ones that die, so there will be
enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because
they are smaller and easier to make. That way He
doesn’t have to take up His valuable time teaching
them to talk and walk He can just leave that to
mothers and fathers.”

“God’s second most important job is listening to
prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some
people, like preachers and things, pray at times
beside bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the
radio or TV because of this. Because He hears
everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in
His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it
off.”

“God sees everything and hears everything and is
everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you
shouldn’t go wasting His time by going over your Mom
and Dad’s head asking for something they said you
couldn’t have.”

“Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t
think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there
aren’t any who come to our church.”

“Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work
like walking on water and performing miracles and
trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn
about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to
them and they crucified Him. But He was good and
kind, like His Father , and He told His Father that
they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive
them and God said O.K.”

“His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done
and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He
didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could
stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad
out by listening to prayers and seeing things which
are important for God to take care of and which ones
He can take care of Himself without having to bother
God. Like a secretary, only more important.”

“You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to
help you because they got it worked out so one of them
is on duty all the time.”

“You should always go to church because it makes God
happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy,
it’s God.

Don’t skip church or do something you think will be
more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And
besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until
noon! anyway.”

“If you don’t believe in God, besides being an
atheist, you will be very lonely, because your
parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp,
but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when
you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and
you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.”

“But…you shouldn’t just always think of what God can
do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take
me back anytime He pleases. And…that’s why I believe
in God.”

~Lois

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its backside.”

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

~Lois

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where
it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I
replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with
total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know
all this stuff? You are so smart.” I was thinking
quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy
Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a
Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the
test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

~Lois

It’s no news that Boomers are the “sandwich generation.” You all feel it, don’t you? You’re squished between all of your duties and responsibilities.

Many Boomers are finally coming out of the child-rearing age, and now we’re hit with having to help our parents as they become older and more frail. Some of us are still supporting children. And we might be working full- or part-time, juggling volunteer responsibilities, trying to manage our own health, and still get more than just a few hours of sleep each night.

Whew! I don’t know about you, but it’s no wonder I’m tired. And my parents have all passed on.

For those of you who are either just beginning to deal with helping your parents in their elder years, or those who are deep in the throes of it, there’s a book for you. It’s called Unwrapping the Sandwich Generation. The author is Susan L. Cunningham, CSA, of Senior Resources Group in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

In little, easy-to-read vignettes, the book will help you come to understand the issues of managing your senior’s care and show you that you are not alone in these issues. I highly recommend it.

~Lois

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Chuck replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I’m done, POOF! The light goes off.”

“WOW, that’s incredible” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck’s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “Chuck is doing fine. But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done POOF! The light goes off?

“Oh my!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

———————————————————–

This story reminds me SO much of my friend, Jan. When we were kids, I stayed at her house one night. It was late, but we were still awake. Then we heard her little brother get up, pad out to the kitchen and pee on the garbage can.

We cracked up in a fit of giggles.

“If you think it’s so funny,” said Jan’s mom, “get out there and clean it up!”

We did, laughing all the time.

~Lois

I found an interesting blog that y’all might enjoy. Lisa McLeod is a bit like Irma Bombeck. Take a look and listen.

Lois

~Lois

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course, what may
I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer
for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the
top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you
to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

~Lois

Being a veterinarian, I was called to examine a ten-year-old Irish wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life—like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The four-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

SMILE with your Eyes.
LAUGH with your Heart.
LOVE with your Soul.

~Lois

Valentine’s Day is coming. What kind of chocolate are you?

~Lois