What 4-8 year-old children said about love:

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of
theirs.”

“Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you
don’t yell at him because you know it would hurt his
feelings.”

“Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird.”

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.”

“You can break love, but it won’t die.”

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when
they kiss.”

“When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and
paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her
now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
That’s love.”

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their
mouths.”

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see
anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day.”

“You really shouldn’t say “I love you” unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

And the winner: a 4 year-old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the
child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the
man’s yard and climbed on top of the man’s lap and just sat
there. When the boy’s mother asked him what he’d said to the
neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him
cry.”

~Lois

This is a heads-up to those friends who haven’t experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It’s happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached and at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hair brush. This was really getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted,” look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs … and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

~Lois

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits while I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

~Lois

This is an old one, but it makes me laugh every time I read it.

This is a job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They (supposedly) hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who’ll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, I’ll take whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

~Lois

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run—anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, ” Did I wake you ???? “…

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who told you to read this.

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

~Lois

My husband and I are writing a new book. We’re focusing on women selling products or services to men. It’ll be a comprehensive book on the process, techniques and personal aspects of selling.

And we’re looking for stories about women who have successfully sold to men. Send yours in and if we include it in the book, you’ll get a link to your website included in the book! Let us know your problems, too. We’ll do our best to help you find a solution.

Tell us all about your sale(s), and include your two favorite sales tips. Let us know what you did differently when you sold products or services to men compared to what you do if you are selling to women.

But this isn’t only for the women. Men can join in, too. Has a woman ever sold you a product or service? Why did you buy from her?

Or do you have women sales reps in your company? Are they more successful than the men? Why?

Post your comment and stories here and I’ll include the best ones in next week’s Brainy Tidbits. (It’s free if you aren’t already a subscriber. Subscribe today.)

~Lois

The March of Dimes is now hiring for the position of Division Director for the Piedmont/Shenandoah Valley Division, Harrisonburg, Va. The Director will plan and execute fund-raising activities, recruit and develop volunteer base, implement program activities, work with advisory board, manage office and division records and budget, and recruit, train and manage staff. Bachelor’s Degree or equivalent experience preferred. Ability to fund-raise in a diverse community is an essential component of this position. The March of Dimes is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Employer. Please send resume with salary requirement to:

State Director
March of Dimes
10128-A West Broad Street
Glen Allen, VA 23060

~Lois

Women’s Forum is open to all women. We meet monthly at the Spotswood Country Club in Harrisonburg, Virginia 22801 USA. Membership fees vary from $75 to $100 per year, depending on your working status. You can either pay for all the meetings upfront and save one meeting’s fee, or pay for the meetings separately when you attend.

Download the application and mail in your check or pay online to join! To pay online, simply click on the pricing structure at the bottom and it will take you to a secure shopping cart.

Click here to download the form: wf-application-2007.pdf

~Lois

Here’s a good cartoon that I thought you’d enjoy by Ann Telnaes. I’m running it with permission from WomenseNews.org

Let’s see what the Women Suffragists had to say about this little piece of news…(click on the image to make it bigger)

Here’s a fun thing to do. Sloganize your name. Mine is: Lois - Does a Body Good!

~Lois

Women’s Support Team

More than 50 women have gotten together to serve as mentors
to you. There’s a forum, free stuff and loads of ideas for
you to consider for your business. I’ve joined as a mentor,
too! You can be a mentor or simply join as a participant.

The Women’s Community

Become a member of the Women’s Community, where you will
find tons of free resources, mentors and opportunities to
network.

Women’s eNews
Loads of info from around the world about women and their challenges. News magazine. Great cartoons!

~Lois